Theriputery: The Alex Dillon Chronicles
by Bella has a BUTTON
Summary: This story is about a therapist's mission to right the world as we know it. Visits from many beloved icons are all inside, along with visits from comical people you've probably never heard of. Definately packed with angst and humor. T for safety
1. Theriputery

**A/N:**

**Hello, readers! I think you may be expecting this to be a really good first chapter...But it's not. It's all from **_**me**_**, basically describing the main character, and stuff like that. =)**

**So, the main character is Alexandra Dillon. She's a 25 year old therapist with brown hair, brown-ish eyes, and rectangular glasses. She has a rather high intellect, and is often very, very confusing. And her clients are insanely odd. The first client you'll meet (next chapter), for example, has lack of self-esteem, personal space issues, is paranoid, and is skitzophrenic.**

**Now, where did I get my characters?**

**Some of them are my friends from school and other places, others are well known celebrities (If you're in America =D), and others are characters from beloved TV Shows/books/Video Games.**

**I ultimately got this idea for this story from ****vjgm****'s story ****Family Therapy Cullen Style****. It's creative, and pinpoints things that you wouldn't expect from the characters' mouths.**

**So, in conclusion, I hope you enjoy ****Theriputery: The Alex Dillon Chronicles**

**Bella**

**P.S.: Happy Easter!**


	2. Is da Easter Bunny!

**A/N: Yay, my first real chapter! Hope you all like it. =)**

AD POV:

Easter Sunday in "boring" Stratford, Connecticut. Boring my butt. So, it's Easter, and I was cooking for my brother, parents, and my friend Tori, who was one of my clients. Yet, I'm called to my office, all the way in Westport, CT, in a very nice, rather expensive office building. Just because one of my clients most likely had a break-down.

Can you spell 'f-u-n' any other way?

So, I headed up to the third (of ten) floors, to my office. I tapped the glass in front of the reception desk-only out of habit-thrice, then opened the door to my main 'examination' room.

Now, anyone would be surprised by what I saw. One of my most...common, I guess, clients was sitting on the couch, looking rather angsty. But, this was normal. What wasn't was that she had her thick brown hair in two braids and was wearing a paisley-print dress hat was a bit too small. Just a bit.

A straight jacket was folded on my desk, as I could see when I approached it and sunk into my leather spinny chair (Only the best for the best, I always say), with a note on top that said 'Just in case' in loopy script. I opened the bottom left drawer of the desk and added the straight jacket to my growing collection from this client's other visits.

I blinked twice, then took a pen and clipboard, stood up, and moved over to the plush chair directly across from the couch. A bowl of jellybeans-obviously courtesy of my secretary Sarah-were sitting on the table to the left of my seat. "Is da Easter bunny!!" shouted my client in a very childish manner.

It took me a moment, then I snatched the bunny ears off of my head. My client's face fell a great deal. "So, Ms. Tomsheck, why in God's name are you here? On Easter?" I asked, rubbing the bridge of my nose gently with my fingers.

She simply giggled. "I dunno a Mi-iz Tomsheck. I is Haley." Was her ten-year-old mannered response. I couldn't keep the shock off of my face at how fluently she spoke like a ten-year-old. It was oddly like her brother's old mannerisms.

"Haley, Haley, Haley. What are you talking about? Was it your brother? Or your cats?"

"I dunno," she responded, her voice then turning whiney, "But I wanna go home to my mommy. You is sca-a-a-aring me."

I sighed, turning to my notes. I headed the paper with 'Haley Tomsheck, Easter Sunday', then, on the next line, wrote 'Either memory loss-due to concussion-or skitzophrenicy has hit a new low'. "Haley, we both know you're skitzophrenic, but this is ridiculous. Please, just drop the act so we can both go home." I pleaded gently.

Haley stared at me with a blank expression, which quickly became appalled. "Didja just call me sumtin' bad? I dunno what skit-o-phen-iky is, so it must be ba-a-a-ad." She accused.

_Dear Lord, she's cracked. Better knock her back before it gets worse._ I thought, before picking up a lime jelly bean from the bowl. I flicked it at Haley, and it hit it's mark, making contact between her eyes. She rubbed her eyes drowsilly, then looked back at me wide eyed. I held a mirror up and she let out an audible gasp before quickly beginning to undo the braids in her hair. "Do you-"

"Top drawer of the cabinet, Haley. You should know that." I said, my pen moving across the paper as I doodled. Haley went to the cabinet, then left the room. She returned moments later in a shirt that said "Warning: Skitzo and loving it" in bold red letters and a pair of jeans.

"So, Dillonsy, what was it this time, or do I not want to know?"

"Ten year old. Pretty much a female version of your brother."

Haley gagged slightly at this bit of news. "Sorry, Dillon. Mind if I join you for the rest of the holiday? I don't really want to head home after this...Again..." she pleaded slightly.

I simply smiled, pushing my glasses up higher on my nose. "You know you're welcome in my home at any time, Haley. Goodness." Was my response, as I stood and we left my office arm-in-arm.

**A/N: Wow, my first fanfiction in a hile. And it's not even a fanfiction yet! Please R&R, flames or praise. I don't care very much. =) Again, Happy Easter. Bella**


	3. Told you, Eddie

A/N: The POVs of this chapter are Sarah Boyce (secretary to Dillonsy) and Alex (obviously)

A/N: The POVs of this chapter are Sarah Boyce (secretary to Dillonsy) and Alex (obviously). Enjoy!

SB POV:

A whole big yawn, working at the reception desk for Alexandra. And, for what? 8.00 an hour and no paid vacations! And, I don't care that that's what all the other receptionists in the area are paid with! Still, here I am, working 5 10-hour (and one 7-hour) days in a stuffy room. Behind a window. Yay.

Most all of Alex's clients had come and gone, and it was around 4 o'clock. The clouds outside had rolled in, and I assumed it was raining because the next people-there were five of them-came in wearing rain slickers, hoods up.

The grey-coated one came over to the window, which I slid open with grace...Okay, not so much..."Can I help you?" I asked.

Grey-coat nodded towards the others he had entered with-presumably his family-then turned back before speaking. "We would just like to schedule some appointments with Dr. Dillon." He responded, his velvety voice...striking, like something out of a really good novel...

I must have looked incompitent for a moment, for he pushed his hood back to reveal bronze, tangled locks and amber eyes. "Is that possible?" he asked with imposed humor.

Now, a normal person probably wouldn't have done this. But, being me...It's safe to say I'm far from normal.

I jumped up, running out of my little 'office', heading for Alex's, screaming "IT'S THE CULLENS AND HALES!!" at the top of my lungs.

I opened the door, still screaming like a maniac. Alex gave me her 'What the heck' look, and I shut my mouth.

AD POV:

I dropped my fork (I had been eating pasta, my "lunch") when I heard my assistant raving like a lunatic. I internally cringed as she flung the door open, and gave her 'my look' until she shut up. "What. In the name. Of all. That is fudgey. Is going _on_?" I asked as calmly as possible. I'm a trained therapist, need I say more?

Sarah turned pink. "Cullen...Alice...Hale...Emmett...Jasper...Edward...Rosalie..." she choked out, before collapsing in an unconcious heap on the floor. I groaned, recalling the past occasions that Sarah had fainted on...God, there were a lot.

I put the lid on my pasta and stood up, taking a pen with me before heading out into the lobby. Only to find Sarah had been right, yet there were very few occurances in which she had lied to me. 5 granite-no, marble-creatures sat in a neat row on the chairs nearest the door.

I gave a genuine smile, and Edward-I guessed, from the hair-smiled back. "Sorry about Sarah. She's..." A complete lunatic? Insanely random? "Sarah" I ammended, "I'm Dr. Alexandra Dillon, resident therapist. How can I help you guys?"

The black-haired pixie-Alice, I assumed-grinned. "Well, Dr. Dillon-"

"Call me Alex"

Her grin was more profound now. "Alex, we just wanted to make some appointments."

I paced across the room to Sarah's desk, reached through the still-open glass, and grabbed my appointment book. I flipped it open to this week, and looked back to the Cullens and Hales. "I have one right now, and one more at this time for each day of the week. Does that work?"

The burly one-Emmett, I guessed-nodded, then bore an evil smile. "Edward should get today's appointment." He shouted. I winced lightly at the volume of his voice. Edward sighed. "You should really take it, Emmett..." he began to protest.

"If you don't mind, I'd rather have you now, Edward, and take Emmett tomorrow, when I'm more awake...And know what to expect." I interjected, making Rosalie and Jasper laugh rather loudly.

Emmett grinned. "Told you, _Eddie_." He sneered, causing a loud snarl from Edward. "Why don't you follow me, Edward, and we'll finish our scheduling later." I more implied than suggested.

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, but stood and followed me to my favorite exam room. He stretched out on the couch..._as if he's done this before_, I added mentally. I saw the smirk on his face, and rephrased my thoughts into my first question after picking up a new pad from the table next to my chair. "Edward, have you, perhaps, been to therapy before?"

"Only once...Or twice...Maybe more than that..."

"Is there a _reason_ why?"

He mutered something that sounded vaguely like "Emmett", but he was facing away from me, so I wasn't sure. "Emmett?" I repeated dubiously. He turned to face me. "Yes, Emmett..."

"What has he done?"

"Not just him, but all of them. Emmett-and his...girlfriend, Rosalie-"

"Isn't she your sister, too?"

"Adopted siblings. All of us."

"Oh...Continue, please"

"Emmett and his girlfriend, Rosalie, have...vulgar thoughts, which they display in their...actions. Jasper enjoys toying with everyone's emotions, and Alice...is Alice. She's got a good perception of what will happen, but rarely shares it with us." He responded, his voice contorted with rage.

"And what about you, as in, what about yourself makes you annoyed...Or angry?"

"I. Hear. Voices. And wither they loathe me or they love me so much it's sickening."

I flinched at the sheer venom in his voice. "Alrighty...So, um...This is odd...So, the voices hate you or are...obsessed...Interesting..." I murmured while making respective notes. "Do you have any girlfriends?"

"A fiancee. Her name's Bella. She's a bit of a...danger magnet."

"Do you protect her?"

His gaze suddenly turned to a penetrating glare. "I do. Emmett thinks I'm...overbearing. I just don't want to put her in pain again, like I had last summer."

I closed my eyes for a moment to regain composure. When I opened them, Edward was standing. And...Happy? "What?" I asked, my head spinning with confusion.

"You solved my problems! I'm a bit overprotective of my Bella, and other than that, everything is Emmett's fault! Thank you, dearly!" And with that, he loped gracefully from the room.

I sighed, turning and following suit. I had some serious scheduling to do.


End file.
